I EXPLAIN MARCH MADNESS

robdelaney:

Hi Sport fans of Basketball!

March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday. 

HOW DOES IT WORK! 

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In which I maintain that Delaney is an exponentially better writer than he is a performer. 

YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING JUSTIFIED

“You want to run your hillbilly heroin fiefdom up here, that’s between you and the great state of Kentucky. I got no interest in shitkicker-on-shitkicker crime. But you will not drag me into this. The next time you set up an operation in this county or any other it better not have my god damn family name on the deed or so help me God, I will lose this star and the dance we do subsequent to that will not end with you finding Jesus in a hospital bed.”

-Raylan Givens

If you aren’t watching Justified, you’re missing some of the most immediately rewarding dialogue on television. I have no idea what the citizens of Harlan, Kentucky actually sound like, but I’m quite content with imagining them as they’re portrayed in Justified, where a witty quip is often as useful (and as deadly) as their firearm. I want to write in-depth about Justified in some capacity, but haven’t figured out an interesting angle. Until then, enjoy this small taste.

BOURNE AGAIN

So, in case you hadn’t heard, Bourne is back. Well, not Jason Bourne, and no, not Matt Damon either. Just the name. The series is back with another installment. Yeah, I know, Bourne’s not in the movie yet they’re still using the name. Doesn’t make sense to me either.

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RIAN JOHNSON LIVE TWEETS ARMOND WHITE

About a month and a half ago, at the Los Angeles Film Critics Association awards dinner, Rian Johnson (director of Brick, The Brothers Bloom, and the upcoming Looper) was allegedly placed at a table with everybody’s favorite contrarian film critic, Armond White, who is most aptly described by Nick Napfliotis of Rambling Beach Cat:

Within the film critic community, Armond White is about as lovable as a teddy bear made out of razor blades.  He constantly whines and complains about how terrible the film critique profession has become (this will become deliciously ironic later).  He has attacked and disparaged many of his colleagues for a variety of reasons; mostly with claims that they are inferior reviewers or accusations of perceived racism.  He once nearly exacted physical violence upon a fellow film critic that dared to stand up to his insults. White also believes that there shouldn’t be any film critics under the age of 30 and claimed that online movie reviewers are basically worthless.

This is the critic who lauded the classic I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry, while trashing the “pitiful and sappy” Gran Torino.  The man who LOVED Transformers 2, but HATED Toy Story 3. 

Now I can say with a degree of certainty that these events did not actually transpire, or I’m sure we would have heard about them elsewhere besides Rian Johnson’s Twitter account. Who knows if White was even there. But knowing about him the little you do now, enjoy the following. (Unfortunately, Twitter organizes timelines so the most recent appear at the top, so you need to read bottom up or it won’t make any sense. Not that it really makes sense in the first place.)

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WAR HORSE IS OKAY

(full spoilers)

Saying that I was disappointed by War Horse implies that I was regarding it with any degree of anticipation. But Spielberg is famous for a reason, and I would have welcomed a pleasant surprise. Regardless, War Horse fell completely flat. I actually don’t think Spielberg is capable of crafting a bad film, and I want to emphasize that this movie is not bad. It didn’t offend my sensibilities, I’m not angry that I saw it, but it’s manipulative, overly-sentimental and even trite. The basic message of this movie is: Look how fucking awesome this horse is.

(continued)

For instance:

- “The horse is a thoroughbred, not a workhorse, there’s no conceivable way he will be able to plow this field of rock.”

-“GOOD GOD IT’S A MIRACLE, HE PLOWED THE FIELD AND THE FARM IS SAVED.”

-“The horse doesn’t know how to jump, it’s his fatal flaw.”

-“HOLY HELL HE JUMPED OVER THE TANK AND SAVED HIS LIFE, HOW AMAZING.”

  These moments exist for the sole purpose of drawing an emotional reaction from the audience. Admittedly, that’s what most movies strive to do, but in this case it feels disingenuous. Separate story lines seem to be introduced just to create opportunities for heroism or tragedy. It’s either look how fucking awesome this horse is, or look how fucking tragic this scenario is. Let’s introduce a recently orphaned young girl living with her grandfather, who develops a special relationship with the horse (like all of those before her), take the horse away from her, and then reveal that she has died in the LAST THREE MINUTESof the film.

  The first half hour block of the film deals with this boy and his immediate bond with this horse, which is not earned and can be summed up in: “there is a horse. love this horse. seriously, here’s another reason you should love this horse.” Not to mention he carries on full conversations with the horse.  When we move away from the boy, I think the film improves just based on the caliber of the cast. I actually began to enjoy myself when the Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch characters were introduced, who then exited the film as abruptly as they entered. At this point, I kind of began to realize that this was basically a series of vignettes, with each series of characters developing an uncanny bond with this horse, who is inexplicably remarkable. 

  There were some individual moments later on that really did work for me, specifically the scene with the opposing soldiers meeting at the midpoint between their trenches to free the trapped horse, which was heartfelt and humorous. At that point, easily the best scene of the film, It even appeared that they were making their way toward some semblance of a theme or message about the inanity of war. In true form with the rest of the film, the final shots were absurd. As the silhouette of the boy and his horse* returning from war crept across the sky illuminated in a color that does not appear in nature accompanied by ridiculous closeup shots of his mother and father gazing longingly toward the sunset, I pictured Spielberg thinking: Look how fucking scenic this shit is. Peace.

*The horse doesn’t die. What. Honestly, the only way this movie could have drawn an emotional reaction from me was by killing the “character” we have spent so much time with throughout the film.  And the boy, who we believe to be blinded, recovers. Everybody we don’t care about dies, and the two characters the film wants us to be invested in survive untouched. In the context of this specific movie, that is a complete cop out.